Love is Lonely

For reasons that  I can’t explain

your all I think about.

knowing that whats coming could be pain

but how times have changed,

how much we’ve grown

from high school days

to being people of our own

its just never easy to understand how it happened

one minute you were here and the next,

the moment had already happened.

am I foolish, must be, why else would I do this.

let you in, so you can rip it all from within

how you come back, but never stay

bring aches to my head, confusion to my mind

break my heart, and questions all day

I’ll handle  pain, sorrow, and the  lonely  f*ck all else

I realized that I love you more than I love myself.

and I admit, I want you, and with this, I’ll prove it

ugh the shit I do, I fall too quick and stay down too long.

when you come back my attention turns to you

the memories come too fast, and leave to slow

so read this, hurry up n say bye

but this time at least I’ll know why.

I had it all wrong about the motive

was never the silly little fights and long nights

or the Arguments for no reason during cuffin season

but f*ck that babygirl don’t you know,

be mine,

and its you my world I’ll show

one hello my way

brings my smile a different kind of glow

if your mine, im yours

let go of all the insecurities

and the thoughts you have telling you

that you ain’t cute to me

or how “us as we will never really be”

red light those lies, they all myth, fairy tales & make believe

girl stop it, all im thinking about being just you and me

beauty and brains, can’t decide which one first so its a dead heat

be here is something I just wanna do

so  I’ll never be a vegetable dad no dead beat

never let the negativity get the best of you

yeah, thats how the clouds form

but if you let me in ima bring sunlight to your brainstorm

so I’ll wait, and think about this

wait for you with the bad news to hit

I guess I just can’t have you for this ride

the pain is too long when your by my side

the fear is too strong so I hide

the tears are too much so I cried

but when I look back later on I’ll say that I tried.

I guess this time its me that says bye.

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I met you 6 years ago, and as silly children we were enemies

We would scowl at each other in the bathrooms, ignore each other on the playground

Until a boy came into our lives; he was both of our best friends and we knew him as Baba

We eventually grew closer, until we were the best of friends; the three of us..

Then I had to leave; my parents we’re divorcing and I had to move

We parted with hugs, tears, and chocolates, and I lost your phone number

I still thought of you everyday, and I imagined you thought of me too

I would hope and dream to someday see you again, until I got my wish

My mom and I were moving back! Oh, how happy I was!

On my first day of school -4 years later- I was in Drama class

And this girl walked up to me and asked if my name was Jenn, and I looked up

What I saw shocked me; it was you! you! oh, I missed you!

We instantly resumed our long-lost friendship, and I was so happy

A few more friends were added to our group, and nothing went wrong until one girl..

One girl started spreading false rumours; she was jealous of our friendship

She did everything in her power to turn us against each other; and sometimes she succeeded

But we always reunited in the end, not this time though..

Two years after we met again, there came some complications.

A new girl in school, she spread hurtful rumours about the two of us

And you did everything in your power to save our ties, but we still fought through it afterwards!

Until your little sister told your parents a lie.. She ruined my life.

She told your parents something that made them believe I was a bad influence.

And they gave you rules! They forbid you from texting me, and you were only able to talk to me if I talked first!

I look at you every day wondering if you’re even missing me like I miss you, because you don’t seem troubled

In fact, you seem happy. Is the one person I shared all my secrets with happy to be rid of me?

Was my best friend for so long, who I have so many memories with, a liar? Was she faking?

Now schools almost over, and you still won’t talk to me..

I won’t even have any memories for when I move away again; do you even care?

It hurts me so bad to think I never once had a friend who liked me for who I was, who I AM!

Losing you has done a lot to my unstable sanity; none of it for the better

You were my anchor, and now you’ve been suddenly ripped away from me

I have no crutch to lean on, and I don’t know what to do about it; but I’m going to do my best

I do have something, someone, to live for.. And I won’t give up!

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It should be long over now.  Years and distance and silence fall between us as an abyss, uncrossable and immeasurably wide.  There should be no trace on you in my thoughts, nor a shadow of you in my memory; Time heals all wounds.

Yet still I can taste your lips on mine, still I can see your face so clearly.  I can track the smell your perfume in a crowd to a single woman, irrationally hoping against hope that it will be you.

It never is.

Years and distance and silence fall between us, and our lives have grown so far apart.

I should be allowed to forget.

I can still smell the heavy air, the trees and the wind.  We were together, and separate.  Connected, and disconnected.  I came because you asked me to, as I always will.  We did our best to create the illusion everyone expected, but I was so tired of those games.  I walked outside, away from that throng of people, just needing that air, and the peace of being alone.  Soon you were there again, and for once you seemed to really understand where I was headed.  You stepped closer.  A look passed between us.  Our lungs reported the cold of the air in visual clouds of exhalation.  Hesitation on your tongue, you reach for my hand.  I could not move, nor speak nor think.  Closer, warmer and more immediate with each moment, you pressed against me.  Building towards such a powerful and desperate screaming need, and yet when we submitted, it was the softest kiss I ever gave or received.  The sky opened then and the snow fell.  Every snow that falls brings me back to that moment.  I have never again felt a kiss that so clearly said “I love you”.

I have felt that kiss on my lips everyday since, despite the years and distance and silence.

I should be allowed to forget.

The first time I acknowledged Eric was in Social Studies class, amid a project at the start of February. I glimpsed over at him when he was doing his project. He appeared isolated, apprehensive, and misconstrued by everyone around him. His dark brown eyes nearly black unveiled a great enigma cryptic beneath reticence. His brown-brunette hair lightly ensconces his radiant face. Statuesque in every way possible, alluring scent, laughable, delighted with the people he knew captured my utter most interest to get to know him. Having his presence anywhere near me sends my heart racing and butterflies firing.

He faced the class to take attendance. I gazed in his direction when he acquired my presence. I giggled at him when he nearly fell asleep. We chatted for a few before we payed attention. His charm and simple words to me captured my complete attention.

His timid state with talking to me is adorable to me. It became apparent that he was in two more of my classes. Acknowledging his presence took a long time for me to acquire. Having him in math and being partners when we could was quite nice. We chatted and learned more about each other every day.

When we got to know each other more, he took me along to admire the beauty of rafting with his family and his brother’s friends. That was the most interesting thing to watch. His family is delighted to have me along. That sense of love from him and his family delights me. The beauty of being with those who love you sends jubilation all around.

That year was the best I have had in a long time. Eric is the one I love the most out of any other guy that I would ever meet in my lifetime. The fact that we have each other is more than I can ask for. The people around me may think differently but I wouldn’t care because I know who he is and I love him for him not necessarily just his looks. I love him for him that’s all I know.

I loved him first and I loved him last

• touch and sight poems

Long brown hair & her big brown eyes, a heart of gold, that’s oversized!
She hides behind her “comfy” disguise, but sometimes needs to improvise…
Often hiding her feelings deep inside, she covers her pain & all of her cries…
He watched her eyes fill up with tears, continued to yell & went upstairs…
As she fell to her knees, she was holding her heart, her minds all a mess, she’s falling apart.
Always left alone & ignored for years, she took the abuse as he disappeared.
She plays along, but often acts dumb, all the neglect has made her feel numb…
Her heart of gold will never say no, dishin’ out cash is startin’ to get old…
Money for this & money for that, she gets all stepped on, like a door mat.
Lana, open your eyes, stand up for yourself, as much as it hurts, you should be by yourself.
Time to focus on life & clear your mind, don’t get discouraged, it may take some time…
Don’t stay alone, enjoy company with friends, and never let a guy make you pretend…
You’re a strong woman, you can stand on your own, and you proved this to me when you bought your first home!
Always remember, time heals all pain, life gives us lessons, we often feel drained…
You’ll make it through this, we’re all on your side, and never let anyone kick down your pride!
Hold your head high, you’re the kids 1 role model, you can do better, don’t ever twaddle…
Never give up, you’ll soon find the 1, you’ll then realize that life’s just begun!
You’re independent, a mind of your own, you better kick Dave, right off his throne…
It’s now Lana’s time, you raised 2 great kids, and it now is the time to put down your fist…
Don’t ASK him to leave, TELL him to go; it’s now Lana’s time to run this show…
You’re my close friend & I truly believe, with all your heart you can only succeed!
Stand up for your rights & never give up, chill with your girls & do your makeup…
Feel proud of yourself, with your beautiful soul; don’t let a man keep you under control…
Kicking Dave to the curb is the answer indeed, you know it’s the truth, you can’t disagree!
It’s now in your hands, it’s your time to shine, I believe in you girl, please don’t resign…
You can turn to your friends when you feel weak, I promise to care & to never critique…
Friends till the end, we’re meant to be, believe in yourself & you’ll soon be free!

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I long to hear the whirring of my gears and gadgets. 
The gentle “putt putt putt” of my motor pumping oil through the conduits they call veins.

The clink and the clank of each servo doing what it is designed to do. 
A pressure regulator with the label:  “H.R.T. made in Taiwan” doing nothing more than its basic function. 
Pump the oil from here to there, make sure each part is lubricated enough to move. 
Circuits relaying information and a processor to prioritize each data file, stored for later evaluation, or deleted. 
Upgraded with the latest virus protection and spam-blocker, my CPU would be a wonder of perfection. 
Tides of order amid an ocean of distractions and chaos. 

But I am not the fluid machine I once was. 
My levers are rusted and cannot move, I should call a technician to tighten or loosen, or oil and soon they could perform again. 
But the wires from my attempted self-repairs are showing.  Shorts are throwing off sparks of illumination and danger. 
I am in need of refurbishing.  I am broken and must be fixed. 
Yet I know that I am obsolete and would be discarded without thought if I allow them to inspect me too closely. 
So I sit at my specified station, off in the corner busying myself with the work that I am intended to complete. 
I draw no attention to my leaking parts, to the decay that has gathered on my torso. 
I have only one good hand now, and it does the work of two. 
I’m a bit slower than I was, but that’s to be expected from such old operating software.  
Maybe they won’t notice that I am ready for the scrap heap. 
If I just keep working here alone, maybe they won’t notice me.

• poems about automatons

(Here on this site, I choose to begin this again.  My hands move slower than they once did.  Better slowly than the fevered pace that once threatened to overwhelm me.  My thoughts as always, turn to her.  Still I wonder how she fares.  What power we give to others over our feelings!)

You healed my heart and broke it all in the space of a single breath. 
You didn’t even notice that I was there, paying such rapt attention to your words. 

Lost time is angry tonight, cursing me. 
Turns and twists that I never saw, now so long behind me that there is no strength left to return. 
It is the most potent joke.  There can be nothing that is not affected by what was, but still I can dream. 
I can dream of a moment in time, held and still held.  Perfected by all its flaws, needed and wanted. 
Pure in its filth and sin; vile in its love and passion.  There can be no escaping this truth, even if it is a lie. 
The sun sets low in the sky, me above it.  It feels as though that sinking light is stealing something important from me. 
I return to cold and dark, as I must.  You never knew.  I can never let you know.  But I so desperately want to tell you.  But once those words are formed and set free, they will trap us as even now we are trapped. 
There can be no future as we dream it, only as it is.  But still I can dream.

Even now, I think on the contradictions of us.  When we most need each other, we cannot be there. 
Either we aren’t ready, or we have no choice.  Seeing and not seeing, both;
They are a hurt visited again and again foolishly, or bravely.  Which that is, I am uncertain. 
Do we return to be loved despite the hurt or because of it?  I can’t say that I am certain, but I can still dream. 

Great love and great pain are all we ever have for each other, and it would have been enough for me. 
I would have allowed myself to be consumed by that fire if it meant for a time I could feel the warmth of you. 
Now so many years later, it is a joke on me, and on you. 
We who turn from warmth, holding the edges of sanity in the dark, screaming at nothing and hoping no one hears us. 
I wish so many good things for you, but still I want you. 
How can I want you, and still want you happy, knowing what I know?  I cannot be with you, but I wish. 
I want you to be happy and safe, but I wish.  I can’t have everything I want, but I can dream.

When looking through my book of life, I can really understand…the reasons many things went wrong, all came to me first-hand.

It started at the age of 9, at a time my eyes were very blind…my Mom & Dad had lots of friends, and around the house were “odds & ends”.

Many smells & wonders I often had, but father told me to not be bad…just go upstairs & watch t.v., that’s how I became so plumpy.

As the years went by, Mom started to change, all in front of my eyes…things fell apart & money was tight, then Dad started the lies.

As time went on, I made it through school, to me this was alright…Dad drove me there and fed me bad food, to make me feel alright.

Mom wasn’t here, but someone was…to be so young & really dumb…Dad sat with her on his lap, this felt to me like a booby-trap!

This is NOT Mom, Dad doesn’t pretend…just let her go, don’t comprehend…Stop playin’ “tricks”, Moms coming home, there’re many secrets, stories un-told.

When Mom found out, it cut her so deep…pain so embarrassing she felt dirt-cheap…to hide Mom’s pain, was an awful sin…I watched & learned how to binge.

My life was hard, ice ran through my veins…I carried the weight and continued to gain.

Never loving myself & often closing my eyes…I covered my pain to no-one’s surprise.

There is no-one I trust, I often feel cold…Many have turned their backs, except 1 great soul.

We called her “Ma-Goo”, she charmed us with cheer…she hung with us, while her Dad drank beer.

We grew so close, BEST friends till the end…our bond was MAD tight, can you comprehend?

The next few years were filled with tears, constant emotion between frequent prayers.

Mom fell into deep-sleep, & I missed her aroma…what took my Mom was an angry, dark coma.

5 weeks of crying, so fearfully alone…Mom started to breathe, all on her own.

The damage was clear, no way around it…her mind was lost & felt all criss-crossed.

Since Mom was so sick, Dad was my only role model…I’m just like him, just a tiny re-model!

I trusted my Dad, with all of my heart…all through my life, we will never depart.

Dad soon overtime smoked packs through the days…every now & then he dapped in some Haze.

Ignoring the signs, Dad was becoming discreet…this made his symptoms greatly increase.

It was taking him fast, he tried to pretend…however all signs led to one-end.

Gone in 3 months, could I’ve noticed sooner?…these questions in mind, I’m NOT a tuner!

Now that he’s gone, Moms all I’ve got…This weights got-to-go…what a long shot!

9-12-2006, my stomach began to intermix…they cut it away, here’s my new life…this was all done with a clhtml-knife.

5 years have went by & I’m a brand new person…my life will no longer begin to worsen.

As promised to Dad to always stay strong, he also promised we’d get along…we’re now BEST friends & GREAT lovers…to soon realize we’d discover each other!

I love you, Vasc…please never forget, this is something you’ll never regret! I’ll be there for you, with promise & truth, you will someday be an Italian Vermouth!

With all my heart, my Father will never part…& in my heart, he will only re-start! I hold in my mind sweet thoughts of you…I’ll mix that with a little “Ju”…looks like that promise will truly come true!
Dad….no-one will EVER compare to you!

******Dad, Mom & I miss you greatly, & we’ll always love you…you’re always in my heart!
—–love your daughter, Dawn

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