Keep Away from the Kids

Published by

Rate this poem

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, “Don’t.” “Don’t what?” Adam replied. “Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said. Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve…we got forbidden fruit!” “No way!” “Way!” “Don’t eat that fruit!” said God. “Why?” “Because Im your father and I said so!” said God (wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants). A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry. “Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God asked. “Uh huh, ” Adam replied. “Then why did you?” “I dunno” Eve answered. “She started it!” Adam said. “Did not!” “Did too!” “DID NOT!” Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the htmlirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

Are You the Weakest Link?

Published by

Rate this poem

Have fun! Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You cannot take your time. Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK? Let’s find out just how smart and clever you really are. Ready? … GO!!!
FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question (You know you took too much time.)
SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are…?
ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person ? ! ?! ? ! ?
THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
LAST QUESTION: Mary’s dad has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth daughter’s name is Mary. Read the question again.

Funny Thank You

Published by

Rate this poem

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years, when one day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit. Man: “Hi! Im so happy to see you.” Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” Man: “It’s been 10 years!” With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette. Man: “Thank you so much!” Girl: “So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?” Man: “It’s been 10 years!” The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man: “Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!” Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?” Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there, too…!”

Blonde's Story

Published by

Rate this poem

A blonde is sitting at home one day when she decides she’s sick of hearing blonde jokes. She decides to dye her hair brown, and, to see if it works in making her more intelligent, goes to a farm where she approaches the farmer with the challenge, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?” The farmer chuckles to himself, before replying, “Sure, why not?” The blonde pulls out a calculator and does a bunch of hugely complicated equations and comes up with a number. She says to the farmer, “There are 314 sheep out there.” The farmer is astonished. “You’re right!” he says. “Go take your pick”. The blonde takes a few minutes to pick a sheep, waves to the farmer, and leaves. She’s sitting at home the next day when she hears a knock on her front door. She opens it and finds the farmer standing there holding his hat. He says to her, “If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?”

Funny Dog

Published by

Rate this poem

A man was in a butcher’s shop getting some sausage rolls. In comes a dog, puts his paws up against the glass case and buys two lamb chops. The man is so astonished that he leaves his own purchase behind, rushes out, and follows the dog to a bus stop. When the dog gets on and pays with the correct money, the man jumps on too. The dog sits at the back of the bus until his stop when he comes forward and presses the automatic doors. The man follows him to a house where the dog smacks himself up against the door, presses the bell with his nose and scratches his paws against the window. Finally a woman comes to the door, takes the packet of chops and lets the dog in. The man is so impressed he goes up to her and says, “Your dog’s a genius!” “No he’s not,” she replies, “that’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key.”