Love is a Sweet Dream Marriage is an Alarm Clock

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1. Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with best friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking, the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, dad? father: I don’t know son, Im still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage,it is love, after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
15. Confucius says: man who sinks into woman’s arm soon have arms in woman’s sink.
16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
17. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just cannot face each other, but still they stay together.
19. Marriage is a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the “Y” becomes silent.
21. I married Miss right, I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
22. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
24. A man was complaining to a best friend: I HAD IT ALL – MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his best friend. He says – MY WIFE FOUND OUT.
25. WIFE: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.
27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
28. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
29. A man inserted an ad in the paper – WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing – YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing – either the car is new or the wife is.

Funny Ending

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but Im recently widowed,” she explained. “Im afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his best friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?” “Yes, I do.” “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?” “Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.” “And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?” Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, Im sorry, buddy. Im afraid I did Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything.” (And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

Funny Conclusion

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For those of you who watch what you eat… Here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Funny Nationalities

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Im CANADIAN Hey… Im not a lumberjack, or a fur trader… and I don’t live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled… and I don’t know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although Im certain they’re really, really nice. I have a Prime Minister, not a President. I speak English & French, NOT American. And I pronounce it ‘ABOUT’, NOT ‘A BOOT’. I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack. I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing. DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation, AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL. A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH, AND IT IS PRONOUNCED ‘ZED’ NOT ‘ZEE’, ‘ZED’!!! CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS! THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA! MY NAME IS JOE!! AND Im CANADIAN!!!!!!!!
Im ITALIAN Ciao

Keep Away from the Kids

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Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, “Don’t.” “Don’t what?” Adam replied. “Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said. Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve…we got forbidden fruit!” “No way!” “Way!” “Don’t eat that fruit!” said God. “Why?” “Because Im your father and I said so!” said God (wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants). A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry. “Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God asked. “Uh huh, ” Adam replied. “Then why did you?” “I dunno” Eve answered. “She started it!” Adam said. “Did not!” “Did too!” “DID NOT!” Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the htmlirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.