Funny Body Switch

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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.” God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love that he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.” The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You will just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

Brain Teasers

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1) A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose any one from three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten anything for 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2) A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3) There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4) Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? ( Only in English !!! )

Answers:

1) The third. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead ( so the rooms with lions is safe)

2) The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3) Freeze them first.Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4) Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

If You Love Someone

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If You Love Someone
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Original Quote
If you love someone,
Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was….
The new versions…..
Pessimist:
^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back within some time
forget her.

Patient:
^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait
until she comes back …

Playful:
^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free …
* If she comes back,
and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

C++ Programmer:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == ‘)
m_she= new CShe,

Animal-Rights Activist:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act
clearly states that…

Bill Gates :
^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
but tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist :
^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She’ll evolve.

Statisticians : (Apte)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you,
the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn’t, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger’s fans:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE’LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone
don’t set her free.

HR specialist
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone
set her free by
Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

MBA
^^^
If you love someone
set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn’t come back her id is supreme
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist
^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone set her free
If she comes back it’s a nightmare
If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.

ERP functional expert
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn’t, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance expert
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Specialist
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new market

Funny Questions

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I got a chuckle out of these. I thought you might too. Enjoy!! Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What’s a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What’s the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What’s the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it’s worth it. Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”? A. About three inches. Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It’s not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don’t have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don’t have balls to scratch.