Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but Im recently widowed,” she explained. “Im afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.” “Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?” “Yes, I do.” “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?” “Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.” “And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?” Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. Im afraid I did Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything.” (And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

For those of you who watch what you eat… Here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Im CANADIAN Hey… Im not a lumberjack, or a fur trader… and I don’t live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled… and I don’t know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although Im certain they’re really, really nice. I have a Prime Minister, not a President. I speak English & French, NOT American. And I pronounce it ‘ABOUT’, NOT ‘A BOOT’. I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack. I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing. DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation, AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL. A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH, AND IT IS PRONOUNCED ‘ZED’ NOT ‘ZEE’, ‘ZED’!!! CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS! THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA! MY NAME IS JOE!! AND Im CANADIAN!!!!!!!!
Im ITALIAN Ciao

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years, when one day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit. Man: “Hi! Im so happy to see you.” Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” Man: “It’s been 10 years!” With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette. Man: “Thank you so much!” Girl: “So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?” Man: “It’s been 10 years!” The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man: “Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!” Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?” Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there, too…!”

A man was in a butcher’s shop getting some sausage rolls. In comes a dog, puts his paws up against the glass case and buys two lamb chops. The man is so astonished that he leaves his own purchase behind, rushes out, and follows the dog to a bus stop. When the dog gets on and pays with the correct money, the man jumps on too. The dog sits at the back of the bus until his stop when he comes forward and presses the automatic doors. The man follows him to a house where the dog smacks himself up against the door, presses the bell with his nose and scratches his paws against the window. Finally a woman comes to the door, takes the packet of chops and lets the dog in. The man is so impressed he goes up to her and says, “Your dog’s a genius!” “No he’s not,” she replies, “that’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key.”

Hmmm. . .
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere…but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So, I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the lake.”
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”

A bus load of politicians was speeding along a country road when when it ploughed into a tree and overturned. An old farmer saw the crash and was first on the scene. Within two hours, he had dug a huge hole and buried all the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff was passing through when he saw the wreckage of the bus. The farmer explained what had happened. “Were they ALL dead?” inquired the sheriff. “Well,” said the farmer, “Some of them said they weren’t, but you know how they politicians lie.”

Because single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed while married women come home see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge