It’s such a drool
such a bore
Im gonna snore

Taking the test
about the west
if I fail
Im gonna wail

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. “The wife responded,” Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me, God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles’ bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. “Im just an ordinary man,” he said, walking up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die and I will inherit 20 million dollars.” The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

One night a father is tucking his daughter in to go to bed and she says her prayers. Girl:”God Bless Mom, dad, Grandpa, and goodbye Grandma. The father asked why she said that. She said “because it is the right thing to say. The next day the grandma died. The dad thought that was strange that, that happened on that day. A few months later he tucked her in to bed. Then she said her prayers. “God Bless Mom, Dad, and goodbye grandpa. The next day grandpa died. A few weeks later she was saying her prayers before bed. She said “God Bless Mom goodbye Dad. All that night he was thinking. He couldn’t get to sleep. That morning he went to the office. He just sat in his chair all day. He waited till 12:00A.M. He didn’t die yet so he knew he wasn’t going to. Then he went home. His wife greeted him at the door. She said “The mailman died on our front porch today. It’s sad too because he was one of my best friends

Comprehending Engineers – Take Two To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Lesson: There is no philosophy to talk about but calculations and calculations… Comprehending Engineers -Take Three A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude”. The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” “Hi John. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. Then the pastor said, “That’s so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer, after much thought said, “Why cannot these guys play at night?” Lesson: No emotions please, only practicality works here. Comprehending Engineers -Take Four What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. Lesson: They build and build and build and build and… to compliment one another. Comprehending Engineers -Take Five Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?” Lesson: All of them have their own theories. None for believing! Comprehending Engineers -Take Six “Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.” Lesson: They are complicated and twisted. Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed Time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.”. “Both?”. “Yeah,” replied the engineer. “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.” Lesson: Gals, NEVER fall for an engineer!!! Comprehending Engineers – Take Eight An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked Up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you Im a beautiful princess, that I will stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look Im an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that’s cool! Lesson: Once again, gals, NEVER fall for an engineer!!!!!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.” God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love that he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.” The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You will just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

Original Quote
If you love someone,
Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was….
The new versions…..
Pessimist:

^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was

Optimist:

^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:

^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:

^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back within some time
forget her.

Patient:

^^^^^^^
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait
until she comes back …

Playful:

^^^^^^^

If you love someone,
Set her free …
* If she comes back,
and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

C++ Programmer:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == ‘)
m_she= new CShe,

Animal-Rights Activist:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:

^^^^^^^

If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act
clearly states that…

Bill Gates :

^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
but tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist :

^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone,
Set her free,
She’ll evolve.

Statisticians : (Apte)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you,
the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn’t, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger’s fans:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE’LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone
don’t set her free.

HR specialist
^^^^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone
set her free by
Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

MBA

^^^

If you love someone
set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn’t come back her id is supreme
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist

^^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone set her free
If she comes back it’s a nightmare
If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.

ERP functional expert

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn’t, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance expert
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Specialist

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

If you love someone set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new market

I got a chuckle out of these. I thought you might too. Enjoy!! Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What’s a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What’s the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What’s the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it’s worth it. Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”? A. About three inches. Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It’s not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don’t have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don’t have balls to scratch.