My Reality; Take It Or Leave It

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Both a blessing and a curse,
It clouds my judgment.
The relief cannot quite mask the addiction
The rush of adrenaline as I run it through
Has captured me and shall not release!
The physical outlet to the mental confusion
I cannot feel the emotions or the anguish
I create physical pain to force me back in control
As if words weren’t quite enough, actions satiate curiosity
I have pondered the unthinkable, and I’m falling
Drastic acts are not my pain, subtle force destroys me.
Understand me, this is not a cry for help.
I only wish to be left alone so I may tell myself off.
I may want attention, but this is not the way to go about it
Do not think otherwise, for that would be an untruth.
I have mastered the art of hiding and concealing my heart.
I bathe in lies, and I do not feel clean.
While I bend and twist the truth, I am not satisfied.
For I lack the ability to confess my inner heart.
I would welcome assistance, but I shall not beg.
As I watch my life crumble around me, I will not cry out.
Watch as I give not a soul the satisfaction of seeing me weak.
My face is a solid mask of indifference and defiance
While underneath I die a little more each day.
The dull glow I notice in my palm, the sinister shine..
It misleads me! It promises freedom and release..
Again and again I test my theories but to no avail..
This wicked tool has me hooked on an ending so far away
Yet so close.. I make one move and let the red run out, and I’m free.
Just like the black streaks on my face..
My tears betray my emotion, and I dislike them.
But they will not stop flowing; where is the out?
I hold the emotions in, and they eat at me from within..
But I will stand tall until my very last whisper of breath
What ties me to reality makes me shamed as I do it anyway
The marks on my skin concealed by clothing and lies
And I will lean on not a single soul.
Watch me as I tear down your defenses with a word
As your comments fall back on you sevenfold
You cannot touch me, it is time for you to realize that!
Inside I may be hurting, but I am a soldier
And I will fight till my dying day for what I know to be!
You can stab me in the back, but I will not fail
You can tear my heart to bits, but here I stand
No matter what you throw at me, I am a soldier
And you must believe I will throw it back, with a passion!
Take it or leave it, what you see before you is who I am
And I am a soldier. I will not change.

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